WHAT IS IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY (IRT)?

Imago Relationship Therapy is an integrated process for working with couples, parents and children, business colleagues, and others who seek to enhance the relationships they share. Based on the ground-breaking work of Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of “Getting the Love You Want”, “Keeping the Love You Find”, “Giving the Love That Heals”, and “Receiving Love”, Imago therapy is a wonderfully effective and safe approach to helping relationship partners grow into understanding each other more fully and relating more honestly as they evolve into greater wholeness as individuals within the relational context they share.

If you have felt like you have hit a dead end in your relationship … if you have asked yourself whether you have really chosen the right partner … if you have dreamed about love and happiness in your relationship, but instead have succumbed to ‘reality’ … then Imago Relationship Therapy presents a new angle with which to look at your relationship.

 

 

WHAT IS THE THEORY BEHIND IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY?

The theory behind the method says that each of us finds a partner who requires what we reveal as part of our nature to re-claim their whole self, and vice versa. Our partner becomes the healer of our past pains.

Harville Hendrix, PhD, maintains that everyone can create a healing, loving relationship, often without ongoing therapy. The refreshing discovery is that his method is not just an interesting theory, but a practical system with skills to practice and worksheets to assist you.

The basic assumption of this method says that a committed relationship and marriage is not only a goal, but it has a mission. That mission is to help each other heal the childhood ‘wounds’ that absolutely everyone carries within. Each of us has wounds. One does not have to have been abused or neglected as a child to be wounded, even a happy childhood carries wounding. “Children,” said Freud, “are creatures that are never satiated, and there is no parent in the world who can react perfectly to the changing needs of the children.”

Hendrix maintains that not only are the frustrations we experience as adults actually tied to unfulfilled needs or other hurts in our childhood, but that choosing our partner is a consequence of our unconscious desire to heal or repair those wounds. Our unconscious seeks the person who, on the surface, looks the least capable of giving us what we need most, primarily because that person is very much like our parents or other childhood caregivers.

WHY ARE WE NOT AWARE OF THESE DESIRES?

According to Hendrix, none of us are aware of this process because it comes out of our ‘old brain’, our unconscious.

To differentiate, what we call the ‘new brain’ includes the part of our brain that is conscious, that makes decisions, that thinks, that organizes information, and creates ideas. The ‘old brain’ guards our existence and monitors our environment, inside and out, in order to ensure our survival. It recognizes only two conditions, “danger” and “safety”. It is like a sensitive radar system that signals the alert. It’s goal is survival and it will not take unnecessary chances. Like in war, an airplane that has been identified as a dangerous enemy will be attacked. An airplane that is determined to be safe, and identified as an ally, will be granted permission to enter our air space.

 

 

WHAT IS AN IMAGO?

The ‘old brain’ recognizes the sense of safety and security from those people who took care of us and influenced us from the moment we were born, even conceived.

Every one of us carries within a picture or image that is actually a combination of the positive and negative characteristics of all these people and their attitudes toward us. This image is called the ‘Imago’.

Romantic attraction, falling in love, depends very much on a potential partner’s conformity to that image. The moment we meet somebody, the ‘old brain’ has its own agenda and checks to see if the characteristics of this person match what we already know. The chance of ‘falling in love’ grows proportionately as the conformity of the partner to the unconscious image increases.

Why does our unconscious look for and find the person, who to the conscious mind, appears to be the least likely to be able to give us what we are looking for?

It is because the image that we hold inside consists not only of the positive qualities of caretakers, but also of the negative that we have experienced. At first glance, it looks like a trap: Why should we go again to those places that hurt us?

In a logical, conscious choice of a partner, we were supposed to look for someone who could compensate for what we did not receive from our caretakers—certainly not for someone who would act just like them! For example, if a person was wounded through parents who were not reliable and trustworthy, one would think they would look for a partner they could easily trust. Someone who had a parent that was very over-protective should look for someone who would allow them freedom.

This is not what happens. The process of choosing our partner is governed far more by the unconscious. Our chosen partner becomes a mirror image of ourselves.

 

 

IS ONE LIKELY TO CHOOSE AN INCOMPATIBLE PARTNER?

According to Hendrix’ theory, what looks like a trap becomes a saving grace. When one learns new skills, it is precisely what that partner who seems most incompatible and who seems to re-wound us over and over again, has yearned for since childhood.

This is part of the power of the method: by learning what our partner’s and our own childhood wounds are, we can re-image our partner, learn target specific things we can do and say, and become mutual healers.

Moreover, our selection of our partner is not only meant to heal those wounds, but also help us reclaim parts of ourselves that seem ‘lost’. We will also look for a partner who completes what seems to be missing in ourselves.

Basically, we are born and live as energy expressing itself. This energy is expressed in four basic ways: through our thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting. Each one of these channels of expression is equally legitimate and important. However, in the process of socialization, when our parents, teachers, and other adults (or institutions) gave us messages that told us who we were to be and how we were to act, some of this natural expression of our energy was blocked. When a child is told things like, “Don’t touch your body,” “Don’t feel angry,” “Don’t be so emotional,” “You think too much,” or “It’s not lady-like to be athletic,” part of our natural expression goes into hiding.

If one were to tell a quiet girl she is being a good girl because she is not making noise, the message she receives is that good means quiet. If another girl is energetic and spontaneous, this becomes even more of a problem. Either of the girls could find themselves with a caretaker who does not want to be connected with her, puts her in a corner and says, “When you calm down, we will talk with you.” She learns that being herself, expressing herself, is not acceptable. Instead of being nurtured, while being guided, in her way of expression, she learns to hide or repress her natural energy and spontaneity.

According to Imago Relationship Therapy, why do couples divorce? In the romantic phase, that time of falling in love and ‘courting’, each person enjoys what the other person has to offer. Afterward, during the next phase of the relationship, the power struggle, the difficulties start to appear. It is as if the unconscious hires a person who will demand that we use those very aspects of ourselves that we have had to negate and lock away. Falling in love is part of the trick of nature to connect two people who often appear so incompatible.

THE INEVITABLE POWER STRUGGLE

The romantic phase is meant to fade away because we do not need it any more. It got us together with the perfect person who will bring all our issues right to the surface.

Then comes the second phase, the painful one, the power struggle. This is the phase when one feels like your partner does not, and will not, give you what you want and need, or that your partner is hurting your feelings or does not care about you.

For some couples, the power struggle is very intense, and for others relatively mild. But for everyone, it is an inevitable phase of the relationship.

One way people react to the power struggle is to divorce. When it feels impossible to bear it anymore, this seems like the only way to survive. Another reaction we see more and more is the murder or suicide of one partner.

What others do is just ‘cope’. Often, these people create what is called a ‘parallel relationship’: “You do your thing, I’ll do mine. We have to stay together for the children.” These couples often land up spending more time with friends or their children than with one another. It is the kind of relationship that looks good on the outside, but is basically dead on the inside.

Another way people cope is by creating a ‘hot relationship’ in which there is a lot of fighting, making up, and great sex afterwards. On the surface, they tell themselves the relationship is fine because the passionate fights and reconciliations stimulate a lot of adrenalin and other chemicals that give the sensation of feeling good.

WE CAN ALL GET THE LOVE WE CRAVE

Imago Relationship Therapy becomes a safe place where you can begin a new level of your journey in discovering yourself and you partner.

The work is done alone and with your partner. At first glance the exercises in the manual, and even the skills you learn, seem very artificial and awkward, but their structure turns out to be exactly what creates safety. They work.

The work you do, together with the written exercises in the manual, are built like a puzzle. At the end you understand why you chose your partner, why you have the difficulties that you have, what you really want to get from your partner, but do not—all this without one necessarily feeling the pieces of the puzzle coming completely together.

Each partner starts seeing the other’s childhood wounds and the work is done so that, at the end, each partner sees, in their self and the other, the needs of the ‘old brain’ to feel safe and some of the things that can make that happen. As the sense of safety increases, there is less need for one or both partners to seek ‘exits’ from the relationship.

WHAT IS AN ‘EXIT’ FROM AN UNFULFILLING RELATIONSHIP?

An escape from distress. Exits are all those things we do in order to escape from intimacy. They are not limited to affairs. Exits can also be working excessively, focusing all our attention and time on our children, watching television, spending all our time in community service, using alcohol or other drugs, jogging, hobbies—anything that one uses to avoid dealing with your partner and the issues in your relationship.

When we identify what we do to avoid our relationship, each partner must commit to closing these escape routes, slowly, but definitely.

HOW LONG DOES THIS PROCESS TAKE?

The process of Imago Relationship Therapy may continue for three or more years.

Although it seems like a long time, creating the relationship you long for and healing the wounds that fuel conflict take time. It is not magic—it is a process and it is worth it!

Of course, the healing begins with these first steps and each frustration becomes an opportunity to deepen that healing. While in the beginning it can feel like a rollercoaster of frustration or pain, then safety and love, the process gradually moves more and more into an area of safety. You experience the process of co-creating the relationship of your dreams!

WHO IS IMAGO RELATIONSHIPS INTERNATIONAL (IRI)?

Imago Relationships International is a non-profit organization whose mission it is to change the world one relationship at a time and create a new model for committed relationships. More than 1,900 therapists practice Imago Relationship Therapy in more than 20 countries. In addition, over 160 Certified Imago Presenters© offer workshops and seminars for couples and individuals that help thousands of people world-wide every year. Imago also offers training for qualified therapists to become Certified Imago Therapists©. Imago Relationships International is an American Psychological Association-approved organization.

Imago Relationship Therapy was co-created by Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD. Their books on IRT, “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples”, “Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide”, “Giving the Love that Heals: A Guide for Parents”, and “Receiving Love: Transform your Relationship by Letting Yourself be Loved” have sold more than two million copies and have been translated into more than 50 languages.